so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
