I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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