apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
