Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
