It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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