I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
