alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
