Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Panties = found
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
