I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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