he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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