I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
