i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
