Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
