I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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