was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
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the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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