Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
