Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
