Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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