Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
