somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
