why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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