dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
