he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
