she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
