You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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