so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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