Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
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Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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