the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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