Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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