lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
