It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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