you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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