You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
