You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
