Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is wine microwaveable?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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