did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
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I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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