just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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