I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
