I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
