I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
