Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
