I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
