Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
