she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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