U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
