if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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