This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
