Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
