If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
