so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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