the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
