Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
