she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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