I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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