I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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