When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.